Meryl is auditioning my brother for the roll of being Mr Yourish. I am disturbed. Many have so noted. There is detailed examination of the situation and I can offer some insights due to my insider knowledge. First her listed “pros”.

Pros:

* He’s Jewish

He’s as Anglo as I am, almost exactly in fact! I was there when he was was thrown out of Bible School along with his trouble making brother for “heathenistic tendancies”. Also when he was confirmed as an Anglican by the Arch Bishop of Singapore, himself a Toaist convert. His great great great grandfather deserted from the Argyles in India a regiment the family have served in since it was the Argyle Militia. They were living in holes in the ground with their sheep when the Romans gave up and left them to it in the highlands. If the doppy Corporal had checked the destination of the ship he threw his family on we’d still be in the highlands!

* He’s single

There’s a reason for that. Several in fact!

* He’s a Zionist

True, how many Peace Now protests have I trailed along to as photographer is unknown but the nice people at the Russian Embasy in Wellington and I played dueling zoom lenses more than once.

* He likes cats

Actually it’s more of a case of they like him, as a kind of uber soft toy to play with. When Jess was only six months old her favorite game was to wait for uncle Bruce to come up the stairs on wash day when his arms were loaded with every item of clothing he owned. she’d then fling herself around his ankle when one foot was off the ground and he’d be too worried about stepping on her to put the other foot down and he’d end up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs under a pile of clothing like a large rag bag thats exploded. Jess meantime would asume the inocent surprised look.

* He’s got a really neat accent

It’s fake. Even Russel Crowe can fake that one and neither of them have wrestled a croc in their lives!

* Did I mention that he’s Jewish? And that he converted, which makes him even more special? I mean, the guy chose to join the world’s most targeted religious group.

I’m afriad we’re just going to have to face it, he can’t pick one and stick to it!

* He likes Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and is a bit of a Tolkien geek (though not as much of one as I am).

There are people who don’t like Buffy? Do they have meetings in phone boxes?

* I’ve met him. He’s pretty easy on the eyes.

Then I’m Brad Pitt.

* We’ve gone to synagogue together, and apparently, Reform in New Zealand is Conservative in the U.S.

I’ll take your word for it.

* He was a perfectly fine houseguest. No signs of hair on the soap. (Major pet peeve of mine.)

The bastard was always ending up in an untidy heap of scattered clothing in my house!

* He does not quote Monty Python ad infinitum, but he’s silly enough to sing on his podcast.

HA! In fact if you know the Goons you know he says nothing they haven’t used.

* We’ve already fought and made up as friends, which bodes well if we ever move past the friends stage.

* I seriously doubt he’s going to try to make me paint pottery when I have absolutely no desire to do so.

He has all the artisic abilty of a concust bumblebee! Again, like the looks I got it all.

We move on to the cons. This could take a while, drink some coffee, walk around.

Cons:

* He needs to work on his knowledge of kashrut. He put milk in one of my fleischich coffee cups!

Of his what now? In your what?

* He lives in Australia

So do half of the kiwis on planet earth, what your point?

* The effing U.S. immigration policy won’t give him a green card

They wont bloody give me one either but you don’t see me complaining about the misserble bastard who don’t know a good thing when they see it and I’m telling you the US could us a few more people who know how to shape a spaulder and design a throwing arm that can fling a rock 400 yeads and what kind of system lets in all them “refugees” but keeps out people like me who would blend in to any redneck barbie like white one rice I ask you! Yeah you don’t see me bitching about the massive injustice of it all.

* Hello, other side of the world? Can you say, “Looooooooooooong distance relationship?�

The planes go BOTH ways. We even chase the sheep off so they can land and everything.

* I’m pretty sure he and Murray come as a package (but I think I can bribe Murray with the Civil War tour of Richmond and surrounding areas)

AH HA!!!! There it is! The lies, the abuse the slander OH THE HUMANITY!!!! I can be BOUGHT??? Oh the outrage!! I’m going to cave with a simple trip to Tredegar? I am shocked, shocked and appaled. I can NOT be bought off like this, I am NOT for sale I tell you. But get me a Confederate cap to go with the Union one I have and we’ll talk numbers.

* Australia. Australia. Australia! Effing other hemisphere!

The RIGHT hermisphere.

Ok correct me if I’m wrong but did I just argue in favor of this arragement? What was my plan again?

Well I just better see a cap out of it is all I can say.